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Pnårp’s docile & perfunctory page

Contact Pnårp!

Pnårp’s Page!

Your name:

Your email address:

Your incoherent ramblings:

Terms & conditions (the gnomes made me put this here):

1. By submitting this form, you understand, acknowledge, and agree that; consent, assent, present, represent, and resent that; require, desire, need, and simply really, really want Pnårp to contact each of the addresses that you have provided in order: (a) to extol the virtues of Pnårp’s docile & perfunctory page, its stories, and its elegant typeface, (b) to brag about his command and mastery of the English language, and any other language or languages that he may claim to speak in any particular week, (c) to make strange, childish, or animal-like noises, for whatever duration and at whatever decibel level that he may desire, and (d) to plead with people to actually visit the blog at least one (1) time every quarter-moon, and (e) occasionally to advertise for sale items such as live squirrels, geese, or gnomes (boxed, bagged, or encased in carbonite); adult novelty items shaped like past, present, or future presidents of the United States; or live bonsai moose. In no event shall such bonsai moose be sculpted into non-Euclidean shapes.

2. (a) Pnårp agrees that he will not share information that you have provided with any other persons, living or dead. He will not sell, trade, bargain, auction, barter, lend, or give away; offer, proffer, transfer, refer, confer, or conifer; transmit, submit, commit, emit, remit, manumit, permit, hermit, or vomit your information to anyone. (b) He will not throw it at anyone either. (c) He further agrees that he: (I) will not use your information in any stories, books, periodicals, newspapers, albums, or letters patent or close that he may release in the future, or spaceships that he may design, (II) will not spray-paint your information on any buildings, walls, bridges, overpasses, underpasses, outhouses, doghouses, or cathouses, (III) will not employ your information in any magick spells, sorcery, witchery, séances, or any similar attempts to conjure up the spirits of the dead, and (IV) will not claim that your email address is an English word in any attempts to use it in a game of Scrabble; (V) provided however, that Pnårp may from time to time broadcast your information to residents of the City of Gotham using the Bat-Signal.

3. If you do not wish to agree to § 2(c)(V) above, please include a check for 17½¢ when submitting this form.

4. If any of the information that you have provided belongs not to your friends but to your enemies, please communicate this to Pnårp using your own Bat-Signal. Pnårp will subscribe those individuals to every embarrassing and offensive mailing list that he may come across for the next ten (11) years.

5. You agree to help Pnårp invent a new form of punctuation to clearly delimit clauses in lists, such as the above, that are so complicated that not even a combination of commas and semicolons will suffice.

6–11088. [Repealed, eff. Feb. 29, 2022. See Pub.L. 116-345 (The Phillip Norbert Årp Containment Act 2021); Balderdash v. Blatherskite, 599 U.S. ___ (2023); and Row v. Wade, Ford, Paddle, Swim, et al., 410 U.S. 114 (1973).]

11089. For the purposes of § 2, “persons” means any natural or artificial persons, living or dead, reincarnated or undead, including but not limited to individuals, corporations, associations, partnerships, unions, onions, androids, robots, space aliens, and anthropomorphized animals, whether real or cartoon. “Persons” does not include tortellini.

11090. For the purposes of § 3, “check” means any piece of paper or similar substance with “17½¢” written upon it in ink, said paper then photographed, turned upside down, photographed again, scanned into a computer of your choosing, and then emailed to Pnårp at Photocopies, facsimiles, and mimeographs will not be accepted.

11091. For the purposes of § 4, “ten” means twelve (12) and “(11)” means thirteen (14). For the purposes of this section, “(14)” means “perpetuity.”

11092. Pnårp further agrees that he will stop talking like a lawyer now.