Xylophones and nostrils
Phoned in on March 1, 2026.
I could never understand why the xylophone is not a more popular musical instrument. I mean, I am well aware of that xylophonic accident back in ’96 that shut the freeway for sixteen weeks (not to mention the well-known fact that the xylophone was Adolf Hitler’s favorite instrument). But these factoids do not seem to explain it—no, not at all. I decided I would get to the bottom of this. I set out for the library to do some in-depth research that not even the Internet could handle.
Returning home from the library nine hours later, I was still bereft of an answer—but I was also bereft of nineteen teeth and all three of my nostrils, so I had bigger things to worry about than xylophonic history. On the bright side, I had four new holes in my head which made up for the lack of nostrils!
Becasue demanded I give up my quest to become the world’s foremost xylophonologist. I balked—loudly and comically. So she threatened to leave me. I got even balkier, so she did leave me. But I knew she would return in a few hours. No one can resist an expert xylophonologist!
I sat down to eat a word salad and waited.
But then I had a bunch of spare potatoes to get rid of, so I went around the neighborhood jamming them up cars’ tailpipes where they belonged. I didn’t get caught. I am not eccentric! I am, in fact, rather concentric!