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Pnårp’s docile & perfunctory page

Hello, and welcome to my page! I’m Phillip Norbert Årp, or as everyone has been yelling at me for the past 25 years, Pnårp!

Pnårp’s Page!

“What’s this page all about?” you ask? Well, ask… and I shall tell you something or other. This time, I shall thusly tell you this: Every Sunday since March 7, 1999—if I actually remember that it’s Sunday when Sunday finally rolls around and rears its baleful, pestilential head—I sit down in front of the ol’ computer, pick up the ol’ board of keys, and bang out a few paragraphs describing what likely happened in my life over the past week. Sometimes interesting, sometimes merely confusing, sometimes skull-crushingly boring—but updated weekly nonetheless! And it’s 100% A.I.-free! But always filled with the wheedling, needling chatter of trillions upon trillions of lawn gnomes. Oh yes, always… always, always…

That’s right, dearies—every week promises to bring a new steaming pile of words squeezed out by yours truly and deposited carefully on this here website. Isn’t that wonderful?!

“So, it’s one of those blog things,” you say? And I reply: “…Blbphplplhlbhuhh??”

Where else can you find Pnårp on the unfurled-wide web? Why, everywhere. Pnårp is tooting on Mastodon, dreaming widely at Dreamwidth, being a twit on Twitter, livin’ it up on LiveJournal, bloviating and gesticulating at something called Facebook, and wandering about aimlessly at a bunch of other websites, too. Pnårp even has a page on Facebook now, too! It’s phlogistically fantastical!

I also have lots of friends & enemies on the hurled-aside web. Check ’em out, too—before the squirrels get them! I even have humans.txt and security.txt files now, for you humans to read. (If you’re a gnome, get out! Out, out, out!)

If you like my docile & perfunctory page or if you’d like a complimentary keyboard cover and set of fine pewter sporks autographed by Rory Calhoun and Alyssa Milano, please contact me and tell me. [No purchase estuary. Lawn gnomes not included. You won’t be disconcerted. Deployed where prohibited by snore. Made from 35% recycled toilet paper. May contain tree nuts or actual trees.]

Pnårp’s July, 2024 jumping & slumping

Too many answers

Declared on July 14

Too many questions

Questioned on July 7

Pnårp’s June, 2024 mumping & umping

Back into the mud from whence

Douched on June 30

So I didn’t want them anymore

Feted on June 23

Things are looking up

Uplit on June 16

Transfixed, perplexed, and duplexed

Eased on June 9

Cows, cowboys, cowgirls, and so much mooing

Milked on June 2

Pnårp’s May, 2024 frumping & grumping

Purple prose asphyxia

Blockaded on May 26

One moron’s opinion

Opined for May 19

Never put a fish in your car

Wrapped on May 12

A masterful mañana-man

Cunctated on May 5

Pnårp’s April, 2024 lumping & clumping

Nose, the best smelling device

Stunk down on April 28

So many questions

Trebled on April 21

The Sun absconded yet I rest assured

Annulated on April 14

An antelope with a pair of cantaloupes

Hight on April 7

Pnårp’s March, 2024 humping & dumping

The stench of failure

Stunk up on March 31

A vernally hibernal good time

Drove on March 24

There’s a joke in here somewhere

Pedicured on March 17

The case of the windy toilet

Manicured on March 10

Pig-headed and ham-fisted

Cleaved on March 3

Pnårp’s February, 2024 pumping & dumping

Seven point three hundred

Paltered on February 25

Pigs fly just fine

Porked on February 18

Morning again?

Mourned on February 11

Angry monkey syndrome, a dishdirtier

Illustrated on February 4

Pnårp’s January, 2024 trumping & bumping

Watering the water clocks

Watered on January 28

Shaken and stir crazy

Swept on January 21

My life as a computer

Computed on January 14

The tapering of taped cans and candies

Canned on January 7

Pnårp’s December, 2023 testiclism & norpgodliness

The splaying of resplendent splendiferousness

Cobbled together on December 31

Whitewalls, chromedomes, and an asshat with jingle bells

Whitened on December 24

Invidy, diaeretics, and Eëtal-Otoh-Satt!

Conjoined on December 17

A byte nybbled a word, and then…

Nibbled on December 10

Snow crabs and snow leopards

Piled up upon December 3

Pnårp’s November, 2023 scaphism & monaditism

Do better

Retracted on November 26

A Sefernday to surely forget

Sefernalized on November 19

A quacking bush

Bushwhacked on November 12

Musings on the salad of chicken and eggs

Emulsified on November 5

Pnårp’s October, 2023 flogging & squassation

Mulberries, mulbiaries, mubbleducks, and mubbliaries

Trussed up on October 29

An oversized capybara, a staccato cadence

Hobbled on October 22

A real nobody

Fettered on October 15

A week of weekdays and their horrors

Manacled on October 8

For want of a letterbox

Shackled on October 1

Pnårp’s September, 2023 patrism & matrioscaphimetry

A bolo tie and a blogging accident

Haberdashed on September 24

The Aroostook Roo Store

Rued the day of September 17

By fish or by Finn

Finished after September 10

Corn gone bacon and eggs

Consterned on September 3

Pnårp’s August, 2023 orphanotrophies & catastrophes

Cwæþ the Pnårp

Jactitated on August 27

Negotiating a goats-for-oats deal

Abnegated on August 20

Dugongs, bleating, and a meowing Nurdlebutt

Bellyached on August 13

Playing a katydid like a fiddle

Diddled on August 6

Pnårp’s July, 2023 obsidian & jebusite

Rejecting both Church Latin and the Ciceronian

Conjugated on July 30

A fresh set of gnome latrines

Spun on July 23

Omental cakes and tires (or a blunch of underwear)

Portended on July 16

Ratiocination and a rat

Bugged off on July 9

Today I was being even more, more or less

Been on July 2

Pnårp’s June, 2023 obolobolosity & spearmintliness

Dogs that ate backwards

Reversed on June 25

Chicken dickin’ good!

Kennedy-fried on June 18

Gearless largesse and rageless eelgrass

Snorkeled on June 11

It doesn’t have to—but I always do

Needn’t on June 4

Pnårp’s May, 2023 moribunditude & terwilligerism

Crap! Crabapple! Crapapple!

Cursed on May 28

Crap! Carp! Scrap! Scarp!

Sworn on May 21

Tuna surprise

Surprised on May 14

Why fish don’t have feet

Expiscated on May 7

Pnårp’s April, 2023 milestones & minestrone

A monolithic dump

Pumped and dumped on April 30

A turtle extended its neck and quacked

Resisted on April 23

Being a little bit taller

Racked on April 16

Being six feet tall

Fathomed on April 9

The unwary victim of cellular ennui

Metabolized on April 2

Pnårp’s March, 2023 dorsiflexing & Dors Feline

Cities of obsidian in the Canadian Shield

Dismantled on March 26

The day ended before it began

Endorsed on March 19

To be a featureless white worm

Gouged out on March 12

Landing head-first in March

Made it on March 5

Pnårp’s February, 2023 dormfudditism & luddlanders

To catch a fly

Lashed on February 26

My spaghetti trees had all flowered

Disassembled on February 19

And the rest was history

Revised for February 12

The house that Pnårp built

Stacked like cordwood on February 5

Pnårp’s January, 2023 bersimilitude & merspicasity

A mystery of hasps and coat hangers

Fastened on January 29

Thinking for myself

Cerebrated on January 22

No more barriers to cross

Surpassed on January 15

Feeling rather non-Euclidean

Knotted on January 8

I am my thoughts… I am time

Annuated on January 1

Pnårp’s December, 2022 mivonks & dren

A real galleyshnogger of a Christmas

Dove in on December 25

Toppings on the bottom?

Bottomed out on December 18

We were bipedal murder chickens

Corned on December 11

Al Gore: A User’s Manual

Peered at on December 4

Pnårp’s November, 2022 steaks & kidneys

Thanksgiving with the McBorbleys

Thanks given on November 27

You are a crazy person

Maddened on November 20

Change you can be leaf in

Bogged down on November 13

With a ploot, ploot, ploot!

Born on November 6

Pnårp’s October, 2022 brakes & stakes

A draught horse, serendipity, and a bankruptcy

Forstraught on October 30

I wish my spoons were stronger

Snooped on October 23

Autumn had arrived

Floundered on October 16

The deep toaster

Smeared on October 9

And then the flies danced

Smelt on October 2

Pnårp’s September, 2022 Ravna & Tines

Yet still bereft of meaning

Creamed on September 25

A veritable trash dump of words

Whipped on September 18

“If” is the middle word in “life”

Horrified on September 11

History looked at me this week

Transported on September 4

Pnårp’s August, 2022 gulping & blowing

Pinguid penguins, disparate parrots, and a Studebaker

Basted on August 28

On any given day

Plotted and schemed on August 21

Catastrophes—but no anastrophe

Mishappened on August 14

Up to my ass in alligators

Endangered on August 7

Pnårp’s July, 2022 planning & zoning

Two halves of a bagel

Misaligned on July 31

Squirrels, squeeorling, syrup of squill, and squee

Cocked up on July 24

Tuck in flap to close

Knocked up on July 17

Gnocco after gnocco

Knocked on on July 10

The long, greasy road

Lubed up on July 3

Pnårp’s June, 2022 eyes & ears

A stack of dictionaries, a goat, and the ensuing manure

Stacked high on June 26

Wernicke, Broca, and a two-week, drug-fueled bender

Refueled on June 19

Fleas, flies, and friars!

Peddled on June 12

A squiddy meal, a goosey girl, and moles of gnomes

Wriggled on June 5

Pnårp’s May, 2022 blunder & whitening

Dogging the Balphonse

Hemidemisemiquavered on May 29

Miscounting the protons

Demisemiquavered on May 22

Batting the package

Semiquavered on May 15

Whittling the knittery

Quavered on May 8

Flogging the dinosaur

Flailed around on May 1

Pnårp’s April, 2022 thunder & lightning

A stubby little short week

Trolloped around on April 24

An exaggeratedly long week

Galloped about on April 17

A wanted carton of wontons

Trotted out on April 10

A curious nine-day week

Dialed on April 3

Pnårp’s March, 2022 dormfuddies & kookely-wangers

Seven point two hundred

Committed on March 27

The twentieth best day of my life

Easily understood on March 20

A hilarious pair of ducks

Redpilled on March 13

The stars screamed at me, but why?

Shredded on March 6

Pnårp’s February, 2022 breaking & entering

An arduous, odorous, ordurous affair

Cannibalized on February 27

Interwoven threads of witless boobery

Spiked on February 20

Three-eyed gnomes, a lighthouse, and a pair of feet

Erred on February 13

Carpathian Carpentry Gnomes? In my kitchen?

Hammered on February 6

Pnårp’s January, 2022 pipping & squeaking

The door slammed in my face

Slammed on January 30

Hard avocados and soft stones

Ripened on January 23

Confound delivery

Starched on January 16

Nothing happened

Obliviated on January 9

New years and new neighbors

Bunted on January 2

Pnårp’s December, 2021 decks & halls

Collecting the caps from every bottle of light cream

Collected before December 26

Vigorously shaking every Solanum dulcamara

Vigorously shook before December 19

Vigorously shaking every ficus tree

Shook before December 12

Shouting at every houseplant

Shouted at before December 5

Pnårp’s November, 2021 turkeys & fixin’s

An adventure in Dingleberry–Dumpsterism

Dumped and stirred on November 28

The Dingleberry–Hampsterist–Schmarnocks war

Embattled on November 21

An out-of-place trashcan

Recycled on November 14

A Halloween to surely forget

Spooked before November 7

Pnårp’s October, 2021 ghasts & grues

To muffle up a gooſe

Muffled up on October 31

A Sefernday to ſurely remember

Obſerved on October 24

Plantago delenda est

Planted on October 17

A lesson in poor metrication

Found wanting on October 10

Dugong, budong, hotdog, and hoe

Frowned at on October 3

Pnårp’s September, 2021 guttersnipes & ragamuffins

Excrescence and excreta

Unfolded on September 26

Losing weight at the lost-and-found

Bonked on September 19

The pink, sticky day ended

Chaptered and versed on September 12

Wearing orange after Labor Day

Fluoresced on September 5

Pnårp’s August, 2021 defenestration & diabolatry

And then I’ll fart one more time, and…

Intruded upon August 29

And I still couldn’t find my comb

Nosedove before August 22

To not be a six-foot-tall man–squirrel

Squeeorled on August 15

Today I was being a…

Squirreled on August 8

Time to draw the bull

Ejaculated on August 1

Pnårp’s July, 2021 excalceation & podolatry

Not a typewriter

Tabulated on July 25

Fish upon the land

Phished on July 18

My arm just follows them

Detached on July 11

An Independence Day to remember

In the pants on July 4

Pnårp’s June, 2021 polyandrodactyly & monodigitocracy

To narfle the gömböc

Balanced on June 27

Another day, another pig war

Splined on June 20

José Vargas de las Joyas Matemáticas

Divided by zero on June 13

An infinite pie

Unbounded on June 6

Pnårp’s May, 2021 nuking & paving

Too many Sundays

Quintupled on May 30

Great Dane or greatest Dane?

Deigned on May 23

A dire problem of diphthongs and diacritics

Ired on May 16

200,000 flip-flop–related injuries

Discalceated on May 9

The Hanes–Heinz problem

Caught up on May 2

Pnårp’s April, 2021 milquetoastery & mediocrity

Something breakfasty and sausage-like

Baconated on April 25

Keeping those goats down in the hole

Bored on April 18

From Commodus to Vespasian—

Detruded on April 11

A costly, costive dilemma

Clystered on April 4

Pnårp’s March, 2021 renaissance & puissance

An arpeggio for Snarpegon

Spatchcocked on March 28

Maybe it was the location

Tripped out on March 21

Toiling away smoilishly

Toiled away on March 14

With a bubble and a squeak…

Bubbled and squeaked on March 7

Pnårp’s December, 2012 wattle & daub

Christmas, goats, and the fiscal cliff

Goat got on December 30

…The world ended

Escheated before December 23

This coming Friday…

Prognosticated after December 16

Mooey, mooey, moo!

Lowed at on December 9

Horses, drugs, and some Volvos

Revolved around December 2

Pnårp’s November, 2012 plaster & spackle

A paean to funnels

Funneled on November 25

A parable that should explain everything

Enchanted on November 18


Land-locked on November 11

The geese were angry

Angered before November 4

Pnårp’s October, 2012 grousing & de-lousing

Ziti—with lines, please

Lollygagged on October 28

As a bump on a log

Bumped and logged on October 21

The nauga war

Tanned on October 14

Meals and utensils and straws, oh my!

Bluely rinsed on October 7

Pnårp’s September, 2012 seeping & tempering

In my own back yard

Extirpated on September 30

Livin’ large in the large intestine

Emboweled on September 23

Illin’ in the ileum

Chillin’ on September 16

A sojourn through the jejunum

Catabolized on September 9

The September that wouldn’t be

Elided on September 2

Pnårp’s August, 2012 augering & gusting

My competitive worm charming days

Vermiculated on August 26

When Saturday is Sunday

Blown right past August 19

The turtle herds of insomnia

NōDōz’d on August 12

Upon the Fimbriated Planet

Flabbled about on August 5

Pnårp’s July, 2012 flag-waving & bugle-blowing

And the neckties writhed

Spiraled around July 29

The ÅSS Goose from the Machine

Bageled on July 22

Planet of the geese

Honked at on July 15

Here I froze and here I died

Dubstepped on July 8

A hortensical Sefernday

Hortensed on July 1

Pnårp’s June, 2012 flushing & clogging

Fungous hitchhikers from outer space

Rocketed on June 24

The Bagel Nebula, you stinky monkeys!

Humped and dumped on June 17

I am the humperdumperdink!

Dumped and dinked on June 10

My skin was thinking

Considered for June 3

Pnårp’s May, 2012 frocking & defrocking

My neighbor—he’s on fire

Detonated on May 27

The green apple bee-bop

Hydrated on May 20

Hoarsely the Pnårp sang

Horsed around on May 13

Vox clamantis in deserto

Cheddared on May 6

Pnårp’s April, 2012 lolling & gagging

The death of Argo Navis

Trisected before April 29

A lunchable lemony apple key

Open-appled on April 22

A box! A box! A box of…

Puttered about on April 15

Gurning for two

Faces made before April 8

Surviving April Fools Day

Foxholed on April 1

Pnårp’s March, 2012 goring & mauling

To order a coffee

Caffeinated on March 25

Toad rental—cheap!

Rented on March 18

Yup, still dead…

Rotted around March 11

I was still dead…

Putresced around March 4

Pnårp’s February, 2012 sneezing & coughing

I was dead

Expired around February 26

Axons across beard-seconds of darkness

Stretched out February 19

A Ho-Mg-Zn icosahedral quasicrystal

Fractured on February 12

Seven point one hundred

Released on February 5

Pnårp’s January, 2012 whirling & gigging

Thoughts diverging from reality

Converging on January 29

Thoughts converging toward reality

Diverging from January 22

And then the cold cuts danced

Ronpauled on January 15

This entry is missing!

Misplaced before January 8

Dreams in a hole in the ground

Trespassed before January 1

Pnårp’s December, 2011 tidings & good cheer

A sleigh ride to the North Pole

Kringled on December 25

A journey to Upper Silesia

Gruelled on December 18

A sally to the Kremlin

Red squared on December 11

A jaunt to Washington, D.C.

Filibustered on December 4

Pnårp’s November, 2011 failure & bankruptcy

A trip to southern Moravia

Plunged off a cliff on November 27

Goatburping and speechifying

Blustered about before November 20

Grunting and squeaking in the goatburping park

Soil sampled on November 13

Like a herd of turtles

Frightened on November 6

Pnårp’s October, 2011 krill & Vril

Fimbriated armless and legless

Charged on October 30

Quack! Quack! Quack, quack, quack!!

Ducked on October 23


Stumped on October 16

Squee! Squee! Squee!

Snoozed on October 9

A snootful of donuts

Imbibed before October 2

Pnårp’s September, 2011 Yvahk & furrfu

A paean to panic

Glibbered about on September 25

Gnomes? In my photocopier?

Litigated before September 18

Ten years

Hijacked on September 11

The toadskin kazoo

Toads skinned on September 4

Pnårp’s August, 2011 cifrection & bumples

Uneventful, boring, and bland

Nothing happened on August 28

A stick of pepperoni a day

Bordured on August 21

A skeezle-wumpus? In my cabinets?

Marred on August 14

The day ended

Gibbered about on August 7

Pnårp’s July, 2011 petaflops & petaglobs

Just shaving the dog

Preened on July 31

Disgorgement and cheddar

Squassated on July 24

The harooloos grew closer

Repositioned on July 17

Impossibly shaped bowls

Whiled away before July 10

Just so he could moo at someone

Percolated on July 3

Pnårp’s June, 2011 dingleberries & chingleberries

The end of doodlewhacker pie

Bloomed on June 26

Moobly Sefernday!

Borndwiddied on June 19

What the heck… is bothering me?

Chanted on June 12

Potted meat

Unpotted on June 5

Pnårp’s May, 2011 buttwash & groinrinse

A discourse on shrieking

Babbled about on May 29

Incipits being rather popish

Lubricated on May 22

Reflecting on corn gone wrong

Paroled on May 15

Today being Mamårp’s day

Smothered on May 8


Strained on May 1

Pnårp’s April, 2011 Rebo & Zooty

Dyssynergic defecation

Splashed down on April 24

The tight, grimacing face

Impacted before April 17

Plårp and I did our best

Potted on April 10

Sigmund Freud would be proud

Electrified on April 3

Pnårp’s March, 2011 galoobery & granfalloonery

Cool beans

Beaned on March 27

Rotating in place

Caligulated on March 20


Crossing Pnårp Road on March 13

The hobnailery on Hobgoblin Street

Borfnagled on March 6

Pnårp’s February, 2011 dark & stormy nights

A dark and Strommy night

Thurmonned on February 27

A dark and spammy night

LARTed on February 20

A dark and smarmy night

Self-satisfied on February 13

A dark and stormy night

Stormdrained on February 6

Pnårp’s January, 2011 bottlenecking & hosiery

Requiem for a triangular briefcase

Immured on January 30

In feckless search of a new body

Transplanted before January 23

The Christ-O-Mart on Crunkner Boulevard

Transubstantiated before January 16

Dr. Unterguggenburgerheimer!

Diagnosed on January 9

Fluffernutter… or treacle?

Stickied on January 2

Pnårp’s December, 2010 piping & fitting

A vainglorious, hooting, tooting Christmas

Clamored about on December 26

Happy birthday, Alyssa Milano!

Feet worshipped on December 19

Back to Pam & Meg’s

Goatmulched on December 12

An alabasterously magnificent find

Found before December 5

Pnårp’s November, 2010 trinkets & doodads

375 gorillas and some flower pots

Dumbstruck on November 28

Ravna and a tub of port wine cheese spread

Slathered all over on November 21

Mr. Årp goes to city hall

Carpetbagged on November 14

Oatmeal cookies… behind it all!

Completely forgotten on November 7

Pnårp’s October, 2010 rotelle & spaghetti

A crater full of Volvos

Hidden in ice for centuries on October 31

The frozen Pnårp

Last thing I remembered on October 24

Harshbarger Memorial Hospital

Discharged on October 17

Ollanthorpe Memorial Hospital

Atrophied before October 10


Flatulated on October 3

Pnårp’s September, 2010 Schmarnocks & Marklars

An offer he couldn’t refuse

Unmitigated on September 26

Insidious flobcumber pie

Perchanced upon on September 19

Skipping Wednesday

Slid past on September 12

Parndiddle McForsterbaster

Pinned up on September 5

Pnårp’s August, 2010 ankles & barefeet

Death by simultaneous drowning and dehydration

Dumbled for August 29

Tater-totting crunkfire

Clapped on… clapped off on August 22

The disastrous ballad of Monica Lewinski’s feet

Shattered before August 15

Two stumblebums for Phillip Norbert Årp

Stumbled around on August 8

Ah, the first of August!

Firstly on August 1

Pnårp’s July, 2010 poesies & toesies

Poesies and toesies indeed!

Tentacle-raped on July 25

Gnomes destroying my brain and kidneys

Urinated on on July 18

Boom! Boom, boom, boom!

Orbited on July 11

Noshing on my favorite keyboard

Fluttered on July 4

Pnårp’s June, 2010 Broxholm & Kreeblim

Technicolor horse testicles

Nuked on June 27

PNARP.SYS is an evil, vile thing

Disinfected on June 20

Psycho Chicken With Fingers On Top!

Squawked upon prior to June 13

Joyful Sefernday, everyone!

Envisaged on June 6

Pnårp’s May, 2010 bangers & mash

Oh, the serendipity!

Squelched through on May 30

Oh, the fendippity!

Panicked over on May 23

A little pedicatio

Irrumated on May 16

The fleeting nuances of Dingleberry–Hampsterism

Guzzled on May 9

Thousands of Eggmen against one little Pnårp

Destalinized on May 2

Pnårp’s April, 2010 bubble & squeak

The Fendippitous Eggmen

Cracked open on April 25

I had eggs today!

Oviposited on April 18

The fnord plan

Executed before April 11

A plan is hatched

Hatched right before April 4

Pnårp’s March, 2010 careening & howling

Ham by the brick

Mechanically extracted on March 28

Dingleberry champion hamster

Plotted against on March 21

A Hilarius pair of ducks

Guffawed at after March 14

Return from the Brundlebeyond

Disgorged on March 7

Pnårp’s August, 2008 mirroring & extruding

Stay spooned for more!

Spooned on August 10

Into the Brundlesphere

Descended upon on August 3

Pnårp’s July, 2008 squooshing & entwining

Through the tunnel

Crossed over on July 27

The Brundlesphere

Entangled on July 20

Kudzu and Miss Hewitt

Integrated on July 13

Dog whelks in your arteries

Derived on July 6

Pnårp’s June, 2008 diddling & fiddling

The perfunctory margin of disbelief, part II

Reified on June 29

Crossing the hatches

Pasteurized for June 22

Glick Glick van der Glick again!

Cocked and blocked on June 15

Requiem for a haberdasher

Eulogized on June 8

Glick Glick van der Glick

Cocked and locked on June 1

Pnårp’s May, 2008 cramming & spamming

Ring above?

Rung above on May 25

eBGIQ7ZuuiU or bust

Gassed up on May 18

Quack! Quack! Quack!!

Quackenbushed on May 11

Do, guppy, guppy!

Guppied on May 4

Pnårp’s April, 2008 licking & sucking

Short and sweet!

Sweetened on April 27

High… on life

Hepped up on April 20

Dying planktonic foraminifera

Rained down on April 13

Reign across America

Wrought before April 6

Pnårp’s March, 2008 pinching & twisting

Alyssa Milano & the new adventures of Hitler

Snickerdickered on March 30

Gra, trained assassin

Unchained after March 23

The blaze continues unabated

Immolated on March 16

Suddenly ablaze

Ignited on March 9

Not so dead again

Recomposed right before March 2

Pnårp’s February, 2008 whizzing & giggling

Dead again

Decomposed after February 24

A whole pile of flapdoodles from Shitlingthorpe

Recollected on February 17

A pox upon your whizgiggling!

Avenged on February 10

A whiz and a giggle

Whizgiggled at on February 3

Pnårp’s January, 2008 expanding & throbbing

Today is January 27

Punched on January 27

Gnomes? In my kettles?

Nonsensed at January 20

Lo’ Kweeisha

Pornographed on January 13

Bubble wrap and bubble butts

Thawed on January 6

Pnårp’s December, 2007 zooting & suiting

Dead in a hole

Deceased on December 30

Frozen in a hole

Frostbit on December 23

In a hole

Holed up on December 16

Spaceworthy guardsquirrels

Decompressed on December 9

Free at last

Self-addressed and stamped on December 2

Pnårp’s November, 2007 snuffling & scuffling


Whiffled on November 25

The one true goddess!

Duffeled on November 18

There’s nothing in my head!

Scuffled with on November 11

Snuffle off to Buffalo

Sniffled at on November 4

Pnårp’s October, 2007 odds & ends

Strahazazhia smiles upon me

Gone wrong on October 28

The deep blue face of failure

Done wrong on October 21

Graceful as Loquisha’s soles

Danced with on October 14

This is Phillip Norbert Årp’s spaceship

Diseased prior to October 7

Pnårp’s September, 2007 numerology & fakery

Pnårp’s in space

Station-kept on September 30

Why does the pi float?

Floated by on September 23

Why do the stars scream?

Screamed about on September 16

Under Pam & Meg’s

Delved under on September 9

Grumfeld redux

Simmered on September 2

Pnårp’s August, 2007 feldwebel & oberst

Indeed I can go home again

Returned home on August 26

Dugongs abound in my ear canals!

Tiled over on August 19

I did not forget about Hitler!

Livingroomed on August 12

Plårp goes home

Sent home on August 5

Pnårp’s July, 2007 borscht & bratwurst

Plårp, Plårp, Plårp!

Lopped off on July 29

Plårp, Plårp!

Popped up on July 22


Plopped down on July 15

3,600 eigenserfs and a function key

Indentured forever after July 8

The missing fourteenth key

Lost before July 1

Pnårp’s June, 2007 midwives & alewives

Press any key

Pressed on June 24

Paisley time

Enslaved on June 17

Back to Harry’s

Ingratiated on June 10

Ol’ Grummie’s back!

Bungled up on June 3

Pnårp’s May, 2007 mea & culpa

Ravna and the gorillas

Ravished on May 27

Ravna and a ligature

Magic-marked on May 20


Peppered lightly with May 13

Further visages of feet-&-toes

Hieroticalized on May 6

Pnårp’s April, 2007 diuretics & calisthenics

Toe-visages on the Sefernday

Splayed on April 29

Sleeping in the closet

Lamented on April 22

The laws of Phillip I: Last decree

Decreed on April 15

The laws of Phillip I: Homage

Legislated on April 8

The laws of Phillip I: Taxes

Propagated on April 1

Pnårp’s March, 2007 teenyboppers & estoppel

The laws of Phillip I

Promulgated on March 25

The restive provinces conquered

Excoriated before March 18

Eight years

Anniversed four days before March 11

131,072 Schmongeloid conscripts

Decimated on March 4

Pnårp’s February, 2007 Eratosthenes & Hippocrates

No one expects the Schmalkaldic League

Vanquished on February 25

Digging up the back yard

Cashed in on February 18

Shekels at the cat-canning plant

Devoted on February 11

Alyssa Milano lives!

Jury-rigged on February 4

Pnårp’s January, 2007 domesdays & bomb bays

Alyssa Milano v. Phillip Norbert Årp

Entrenched under January 28

Phillip Norbert Årp v. Alyssa Milano’s Feet

Machine-gunned on January 21

Suing Alyssa Milano

Bombarded after January 14

Music erupted from my bed cushions again

Strafed on January 7

Pnårp’s December, 2006 wrenches & wenches

Fort Flabberwocky was a myth!

Auld acquaintances forgotten on December 31

’Twas the night before Christmas

Prostituted on December 24

The Spend-O-Mart on Crunkner Boulevard

Drenched in sweat on December 17

The Great Fluffernutter Deluge of ’58

Whored out on December 10

Bloviating and brachiating

Wrenched away from me on December 3

Pnårp’s November, 2006 expostulations & hypotheticals

Britney Spears… or Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Rigorously proved for November 26

I forgot about Hitler again…

Posited because of November 19

A busjacking by Jack Off Jill?

Theorized about on November 12

Jacking off Jill to a squirrel-fox-dingo

Hypothesized on November 5

Pnårp’s October, 2006 ensmallening & prominence

Loquisha, you hornswoggler!

Added to taste on October 29

Mesothelioma in a drainage ditch

Stir-fried for October 22

Gnomelandia Day

Filleted on October 15

The Third Coming

Chopped lightly on October 8

Ollanthorpe Savings Bank

Puréed on October 1

Pnårp’s September, 2006 embiggening & cromulence

I remembered a lot this week!

Chopped with a stick on September 24

Terrorists! Terrorists!!

Sporked with some tongs on September 17

Haldûrburðgar, Lord and Emperor

Knifed with a spoon on September 10

Attacked by tadpoles!

Stabbed with a fork on September 3

Pnårp’s August, 2006 fecklessness & stipples

Busy: Ankle-crawling kudzu

Toddled about on August 27

Busy: A whole flock of geese

Goosed before August 20

As kudzu crept up her ankles

Encircled on August 13

Incipient garden gnomes pouring down again

Wined & dined on August 6

Pnårp’s July, 2006 tentacles & manacles

New Gardegnomia

Navigated to on July 30

Burkina Faso encased in pie

Tortured on July 23

A disastrous pie-eating contest

Drawn and quartered on July 16

No dice

Gambled over on July 9

This is Phillip Norbert Årp’s ship

Appeased prior to July 2

Pnårp’s June, 2006 fenders & benders

Gormless bastard!

Located to the right of June 25

Captain Pinnfarb explains it all

Positioned left of June 18

The wall gong exhibition

Molested on June 11

A cock-up, to be sure

Erected on June 4

Pnårp’s May, 2006 henpecks & viscosity

I thought this was better!?

Harvested before May 28

Oatmeal cookies and their spies

Weeded on May 21

I still don’t trust these cookies…

Hollered well before May 14

My oatmeal cookies

Surveilled pursuant to May 7

Pnårp’s April, 2006 mind-boggling & hornswoggling

The dingleberry/hamster song

Sung for April 30

Pam & Meg’s

Wheeled about on April 23

The Englebee Troobles live!

Transubstantiated on April 16

Hornswoggled, I tell you!

Connived on April 9

My new neighbor from Georgia

Nazified on April 2

Pnårp’s March, 2006 ham & eggs

The haberdashery, act IV

Wanted on March 26

The haberdashery, act III

Haunted on March 19

The haberdashery, act II

Flaunted on March 12

The haberdashery, act I

Taunted on March 5

Pnårp’s February, 2006 spoonerisms & philately

Ham and eggs, a dram of megs

Hammed up for February 26

I need a new hobby

Telephoned on February 19

A pastry on both your houses!

Made peace with on February 12

Hobnobbishly bamboozled, she said

Interrupted before February 5

Pnårp’s January, 2006 hotdogs & warthogs

Busy this week too!

Put out on January 29

Busy this week!

Placed next to January 22

She isn’t dead!

Copulated after January 15

Schmongeling Gnomes from Westphalia?

Schmongeled under January 8

368,000 firecrackers and a butcher shop

Tarpapered over on January 1

Pnårp’s December, 2005 dirigibles & submersibles

Today being Christmas…

Made merry on December 25

The perfect symmetry of a letter

Excreted slightly before December 18

Shitlingthorpe–Alabaster Flapdoodles

Zanzibarred on December 11

Thaddeus C.L. Harshbarger, the haberdasher

Belted out on December 4

Pnårp’s November, 2005 blatherskite & twaddle

Dingleberry, hamster!

Cornpuffed for November 27

My house burned down today

Incinerated on November 20

Stewing in my own juices

Brewed on November 13

A visit to Eigentoria

Emigrated on November 6

Pnårp’s October, 2005 fiddlesticks & corpulence

I shall visit Eigentoria

Bandied about on October 30

The thick, meaty center of an eigenfactor

Ridiculed on October 23

Caught in a wet noodling contest

Noodled on October 16

The lawn gnomes prance!

Gingerbreaded on October 9

Saturday was the worst

Hobnobbed on October 2

Pnårp’s September, 2005 lollygagging & philandering

The return of the garden gnomes

Star-spangled high above September 25

The return of Grårp

Cordoned off on September 18

Abortifacient skies, the burning air

Slobbered all over on September 11

Engelby Trouble?

Prevaricated on September 4

Pnårp’s August, 2005 rippin’ & snortin’

Spruce mustard and bouillabaisse

Trundled on August 28

I’m ending it all!

Spindled on August 21

Blast you all

Best if used by August 14

Troobles, long and hard

Deluged on August 7

Pnårp’s July, 2005 hobgoblins & flapdoodles

Soft, and steaming lightly

Castigated on July 31

The perspicacious side of the planet

Wienerschnitzeled on July 24

Umph… plurgh… splat!

Beautified on July 17


Bowdlerized on July 10

I slithered blithely out the door

Fetishized on July 3

Pnårp’s June, 2005 horsefeathers & flunkery

A gaggle of garden gnomes

Engulfed on June 26

Incipient garden gnomes pouring down

Shined & enshrined on June 19

What an Englebee Trooble is

Incarcerated on June 12

Zero-factor linguistics

Laughed about within June 5

Pnårp’s May, 2005 endoscopy & parallelism

The Magic Oreo Machine™

Played footsie with on May 29


Given to charity prior to May 22

Into the midst of a gorilla and yak pack

Made in Taiwan, R.O.C., before May 15

Naked with soda bottles in my ears

Redistributed after May 8

Fell in a pit (again)

Masticated on May 1

Pnårp’s April, 2005 wheeling & dealing

Music erupted from my bed cushions

Cosigned on April 24

The Trooble Foundation

Irked on April 17

I saw an iMac, a greenish-blue flavored one

Popularized for April 10

I was mad

Optimized for April 3

Pnårp’s March, 2005 sagacity & hierarchy

I desire broadband access to my feet!

Quibbled about on March 27

Guhhhh noooobity fahhhh foooogity!!!

Squabbled about on March 20

My dear brother Grårp!

Crucified for March 13

Samuel Dreckers

Carbonized prior to March 6

Pnårp’s February, 2005 brewing & stewing

Contemplating the Spice Girls

Best if sold by February 27

Alyssa Milano still has very cute feet

Reeducated on February 20

Briefcase! Gatorade!!

Fudged up against February 13

100% guaranteed

Bamboozled on February 6

Pnårp’s January, 2005 whinin’ & complainin’

The Troobles exist…

Inoculated on January 30

Curse inflatable hotdogs

Expurgated on January 23

Pnårp’s November, 1999 insanity & incontinence


Vindicated and tabulated on November 7

Pnårp’s October, 1999 bobbles & baubles

Searching forever for the elusive Troobles

Squandered because of October 31

The stars scream at me louder than ever!!

Suspended from October 24

I had failed

Hidden above my bed on October 17

Fight the future

Hidden under my bed on October 10

I forgot about Hitler

Plundered shortly after October 3

Pnårp’s September, 1999 standard & poor

A brass knob had fallen on my head

Belched out on September 26

The Countess-Prelate von Sträsmussenbörg

Bleeped out for September 19

Someone accused me of screwing a pheasant

Remixed before September 12

Without a tongue or a penis

Reticulated and sun-dried on September 5

Pnårp’s August, 1999 scenery & greenery

It gets hot in Afghanistani prisons

Given to my daughter on August 29

No kind of Trooble infatuates anyone

Fondled on August 22

The talking, squawking camel

Reinstated on August 15

The Englebee Troobles

Pondered upon August 8

I love AOL

Placated since August 1

Pnårp’s July, 1999 squeaks & squawks

Mister Ollanthorpe von Sträsmussenbörg

Encapsulated within July 25

Is there an underdog in you?

Nitrated on July 18


Abolished after July 11

The flying pi returned

Complicated because of July 4

Pnårp’s June, 1999 fenestration & haberdashery

I have nothing to write today

Repatriated on June 27

I took the AK-47 down

Romanticized for June 20

The triangular briefcase I had found

Reintegrated on June 13

The spiders began to sing and chant

Refracted after June 6

Pnårp’s May, 1999 sticks & stones

Hypoglycemia and digititis have no sway over me

Intubated on May 30

I found a scrap of paper in my pocket

Rebutted on May 23

Dangerous evidence kept cropping up

Regurgitated prior to May 16

The perfunctory margin of disbelief

Apprenticed to May 9

Semper sic tyrannis

Calculated and compiled on May 2

Pnårp’s April, 1999 piffle & babble

In the ground underneath my house

Drawn up for April 25

A glass was sitting on my desk

Cemented on April 18

Am I lost!? Am I low on oil!?

Hydrogenated for April 11

The man who talked way too much

Splattered on April 4

Pnårp’s March, 1999 doodles & poodles

I continued my search for the Englebee Troobles

Posted for March 28

The seventeenth best day of my life

Dissipated before March 21

I took the pile of animal feces out of my garage

Electrolyzed for March 14

The stars scream at me, but why?

Conduced on March 7