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This is Phillip Norbert Årp’s ship

Appeased prior to July 2, 2006.

Having learned the hard lesson that Varangian handbaskets are hard to come by this time of year (much like lobsters and John Updike, they’re seasonal), I had to send Captain Pinnfarb to Hell in a third-rate handbasket hand-made by the Kievan Rus’. It didn’t even have handles, but was made out of the finest Kharkov wicker, so it had to do. And it did do. And now it’s done, and there won’t be any do-overs, either.

After dispatching Captain Pinnfarb to Hell (and making sure that Samuel Dreckers and poor Mr. Wilson were getting along well with him), I claimed his old ship, the HMS Gormless Bastard, as my own. She’s a fine ship, all right, but now that her gormless bastard of a captain had been sent to the bottom of the sea (I think that’s where Hell is this æon—according to what a little birdie named Jehosafattie told me, it moves around whenever Yahweh gets grumpy), she needed a new name. A graceful, beautiful name, and one that would let people everywhere know, “This is Phillip Norbert Årp’s ship.”

I decided to rechristen her the Alyssa Milano’s Feet. I set sail next Tuesday.