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The missing fourteenth key

Lost before July 1, 2007.

Today being July 1 meant that yesterday was June 30. And yesterday being June 30, the day before was required under penalty of death by cow-schtupping to be June 29.

Why is this important, you must be asking by now. Well, I’ll tell you why it’s important: Each and every one of these days is Eigenday in Eigentoria. Even June 28 was Eigenday, as was June 27 and June 26. My eigenfriends haven’t confirmed it yet, but I’m under the impression that June 25 and even June 24 were also Eigendays.

Why is that important, you must be asking now. Well, I can answer that whiny little question too: In Eigentoria, no one cares what day of the week it is—so they call ’em all the same thing! Those Eigentorians just churn out new eigenfactors and eigenvectors from the eigenfactory daily, never stopping, never ceasing. Thousands of impoverished immigrants from Digitopolis and Dictionopolis slave away in the factories for a hundred and seventy hours a week, meticulously crafting each eigenvector and eigenfactor on the eigenpresses and shuffling them down the eigen–assembly line. The work is grueling, but the foremen are cruel and uncaring so it gets done nonetheless. Apparently an eigenbullwhip between the eigenshoulderblades can be quite the eigencouragement!

And why is that important, you ask? Oh, you don’t ask that. Excellent, dear reader. You clearly see that knowledge about the Eigentorian sweatshops, filled to the brim with grimy, barefoot immigrants from afar, is intrinsically important.

Lastly, you must be asking (shush—I don’t care if you actually are) about my quest for that elusive F14 key.

Fortunately, I was able to locate an antiques dealer in possession of an 1834 megacomputer manufactured by IBM. He assures me that, in addition to the 15,000 wheels and pulleys making up the central processing unit, the machine does have a genuine F14 key on it’s twelve-foot keyboard (“it’s more of a lever,” he told me over the phone). He further told me that if I could supply him with a 250,000 square foot warehouse, and at least 3,600 unskilled laborers to spin the wheels and pulleys by hand, he could deliver the computer to me in four days. On Friday I stole the warehouse from a stumblebum named Jimmie, and I called my eigenbuddies in Eigentoria today and asked if they could spare some peons from their sweatshops. And they can!

So, soon, soon… soon I shall find a genuine F14 key!