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The laws of Phillip I: Homage

Legislated on April 8, 2007.

Henceforth, subjects of the sovereign Lord and Emperor Phillip I, more-or-less serene monarch and emperor eternal of Bouillabaissia, conquerer twice of the Hamsters, military governor and despot of the Horsefeathers, king of Hogwash, supreme autarch of Poppycock, protector of Alyssa Milano’s feet, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s toes, and all parts of the five Spice Girls, autocrat of the Raccoons, lord arboreal of the Trees Ficus, grand duke of the Geese and the near waters, ruler of the southern Conifer territories, Schmongelslayer, protector, and pooperscooper, et cetera, shall be required to pay homage to their Lord and Emperor through the following means:—

The Hamsters shall be required to turn over 50% of their feed pellets and 75% of their woodshavings for the construction of a new statue;

In order to show their gratitude for once more being brought under the sovereign rule of the most serene Lord and Emperor, the Horsefeathers shall be required to die immediately and without resistance;

The provinces of Hogwash and Poppycock shall be required to do nothing;

The Avia and Hymenoptera shall be required to pledge their eternal loyalty once again (and the Lord and Emperor really, really means it this time);

All subjects shall be required to perform weekly pilgrimages to all fifty-two statues of the Lord and Emperor situated throughout his empire, with the exception that the Hamsters shall be required to make daily pilgrimages to each statue;

All subjects shall be required to change their surname to “Årp;” and

The Geese shall be required to provide no fewer than sixteen concubines per annum for the Lord and Emperor’s pleasure domes.

Whosoever fails to pay homage to the Lord and Emperor as is required of him shall be wheedled and needled by the gnomely guards until dead.

Whosoever mocks or derides the Lord and Emperor’s fifty-seven statues, or the little circle above the A in the Lord and Emperor’s surname, shall be subjected to a cow-schtupping forte et dure while being hanged by the nose and beaten with sacks of horsefeathers, and he shall have his corneas, fingers, and toes turned inside-out.

Whosoever does not worship and venerate the seven statues of Alyssa Milano, six statues of Jennifer Love Hewitt, five statues of Britney Spears, and four statues of each Spice Girl, shall be banished to the poodle pits.

Whosoever worships or venerates the seven statues of Alyssa Milano, six statues of Jennifer Love Hewitt, five statues of Britney Spears, and four statues of each Spice Girl, shall be guilty of infringing upon the sovereign rights of the Lord and Emperor, and shall be fed to a flock of poodles.

Whosoever among the Horsefeathers who does not die immediately and without resistance shall be killed immediately and without hesitation. The designation of all Horsefeathers as homo sacer shall not be construed to release them from their duty to provide 157% of their properties and income for the Lord and Emperor.