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’Twas the night before Christmas

Prostituted on December 24, 2006.

’Twas the night before Christmas, in my makeshift house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Her sandals were hung by the chimney with care,

In the hope that Loquisha would now soon be here.

The gorillas were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of ’Lyssa danced round in my head.

My Alyssa was barefoot—and I in my hat:

That’s the fez that I’d won in a game fighting rats.

So luscious and sexy, Alyssa’s young feet,

And her ten little toes, all so slender and sweet!

All those curves from her heels to her long, lovely toes,

And her arches, her instep, her soft and smooth soles!

I gazed on her naked, small feet as she danced:

They were lithe and so sleek, as around me she pranced.

And then what to my wondering eyes did appear?

But a girl in pink sandals—the blonde Britney Spears!

And she danced with Alyssa, and ’Lyssa with her.

Soon the sandals were gone, which is what I prefer!

She spun ’cross the floor, then she kicked them aside,

With a snap of her ankle and a twist of her thigh.

How my dream kept improving as it carried on!

(As if four feet to gaze at was not enough fun!)

And right then out of nowhere she suddenly jumped—

’Twas Jennifer Hewitt—in red leather pumps!

Her eyes—how they twinkled! Her ankles—how luscious!

Her soles were alluring, her toes so salicious!

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,

She slipped off her stockings, then turned with a smirk.

And so on my dream continued to unfurl,

It was then they appeared: The five sexy Spice Girls!

And as soon as they’d slipped their feet from their high boots,

They had joined in the party, cavorting about.

I had eight girls in total, eight pairs of feet!

Eighty toes right in front of me! Lord, what a treat!

I howled and cheered them on in their game,

And I whistled and shouted and called them by name:

“Alyssa, my dancer! Now, Geri and Mel C!”

“On, Britney! On, Vickie! On, Emma and Mel B!”

“To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!”

“Now dance around! Prance around! Dance around all!”

They danced and I watched, I watched as they played,

With their feet all a-twisting and their toes all a-splayed.

But right when I thought it could not get any better,

It was over so soon, all that fun barefoot patter.

The sound of their bare feet all slapping my floor,

Was suddenly replaced… with a wheedling roar.

A wheedling and needling noise filled up my home,

And then I was surrounded: By hideous gnomes.

My eyes then exploded right out of my face,

There were millions of gnomes all over the place!

Away to the window I flew like a flash,

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The Moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to gnomes down below.

I looked back behind me, saw gnomes in a horde,

I looked down below where out more and more poured!

With a shriek and a cackle of, “I’ll have the last laugh!”

I leapt out the window to my certain death.

How I cackled insanely as I fell forty floors,

I knew then that I’d see all these gnomes nevermore.

With the ground fast approaching—a terrible sight,

I screamed, “Happy Christmas to all, and—”