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Britney Spears… or Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Rigorously proved for November 26, 2006.

“Pah, pah, pooey. Ga dah, ga dah… gaa-dooey???”

On Tuesday, at four o’clock in the afternoon, twenty minutes past the swinejock dinglebongity, I asked this question blithely as I entwined myself about a pole in front of the Szczerbaczewicz & Smith butcher shop. Mr. Szczerbaczewicz himself answered me, teaching me many new consonant-laden curses in his native language in the process. I called him a “pah pah pooey man” and left in a huff—but Mr. Smith followed me, and stole all my snuff!

“Pah, pah, pooey. Ga dah, ga dah… gaa-dooey???”

I again asked passers-by in front of the butcher shop on Wednesday, Thursday, and part of Friday (only part, because Szczerbaczewicz’s daughter chased me off with a feather duster—made from real horsefeathers!—mounted on an old bellows filled with buckshot). None of the passers-by had any answers that came close to rigorously proving that Britney Spears’ feet are lovelier than Jennifer Love Hewitt’s.

“Pah, pah, pooey. Fa fah, fa fah… pretty footsies???

I asked this question on Saturday instead—and nowhere near Szczerbaczewicz & Smith either: Instead, I parked my inflatable hotdog in front of the asshattery on Wiggensworth Street, and belted out my query via a bullhorn shaped like a Levitican squeaking-shell. The answers I got were concise, and to the point:

Baffle, snaffle—ptooey!!