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Graceful as Loquisha’s soles

Danced with on October 14, 2007.

The Soles of Loquisha glided into orbit of Neptune late in the evening on Tuesday, as graceful as the soles after which she was named. An eigengnome hurried to my quarters to let me know we’d arrived.

“You eigengnomes said Wednesday! Wed-nes-day, you jungle-bunglers!” I screamed, enraged, pronouncing each syllable slowly so it would sink into his beady little skull. It didn’t seem to, so I instead sank my fist into his skull.

“And another thing… I! am! eating! my! blunch!” I continued, walloping him to punctuate each word. He squeaked something about blunch being intended for midday, not evening, with which I reluctantly agreed. He was correct. I therefore had only one choice, and I immediately and gleefully chose it: I dumped the entire bowl of scalding-hot cornpone stew over his head. “Corn… gone wrong! Now get back down to the engine room and feed yourself to the main reactor!” He groveled and scuttled away obediently. I made my way to the bridge, galloping all the way once again.

I demanded that the eigengnomes milling about the bridge bring Neptune up on the main screen, which they dutifully did. There no longer being any need for them to inhabit the bridge, I slew them all quickly, then sat down in my captain’s chair to eye the deep blue planet. The planet stared back at me from the screen, dark and foreboding. Or something. Whatever it was, it made me nervous as a schoolgirl approached by an old man with an offering of candy if only I would get in the car with him.

I proceeded to stare down Neptune, grimly eyeing the planet as it eyed me with its own steely visage. I set my jaw and glared—nay, glowered—into the image in front of me. Finally, it was Neptune who blinked first. I leapt to my feet, cackling with triumphant glee as the planet withered and shrunk away from me, shifting its orbit outward and wrecking the entire solar system. “I win! I win! Me, me, me!” I clapped my hands and called a host of eigengnomes to the bridge to share in my merrymaking.

My merrymaking thus shared, I slew these eigengnomes as quickly as the first batch. Most of the eigengnomes gone, and Neptune having lost a battle of wills with yours truly, I decided on the only course of action possible: Taking a shuttle down to the planet’s surface and staking a claim for myself. I would build myself a new house, ensure it was as demonically possessed as my last one so that no matter how many times it burned down it would reassemble itself, and live out the rest of my days here on the deep blue face of Neptune.

As I write this, the shuttle Loquisha’s Sandals descends toward the surface.