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The restive provinces conquered

Excoriated before March 18, 2007.

Another week of ruling Bouillabaissia, another week of rebellions, uprisings, and other miscellaneous civil strife to crush like the omnipotent despot that I am.

It started with the hamsters this week. Unwilling to sacrifice any further to support the selfish gluttony of their Lord and Emperor (I, Phillip I), they rebelled against the latest tax I levied upon them: The requirement that they hand over 87% of their food pellets and wood shavings for use by the imperial household. They refused, took up arms, and after a long and difficult campaign stretching across three whole hours, I had crushed them totally.

Unfortunately, with my army of grasshopper regulars now tied down in the hamster province doing occupation duty, the horsefeathers chose this time to revolt, their grievance being something about the hogwash and poppycock provinces always receiving more of the imperial booty than them. (Much like the French, I’ve always hated horsefeathers.) I had to personally deal with this crisis, stamping out and stomping on every bit of resistance and flunkery with my own two feet, two hands, and long nose. But in the end, it was another triumph for Phillip I of Bouillabaissia.

On Saturday, I dedicated thirteen new statues of myself in honor of these smashing victories. Each statue depicts yours truly in various stages of the conquests: Stomping, stamping, crushing under his feet, squishing in his hands, beating with his nose, cackling insanely, and finally holding his arms aloft in triumph while a scantily clad Alyssa Milano, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and Geri Halliwell swoon barefoot at his feet. Upon the statues’ completion, I promptly passed an edict demanding that every hamster in my kingdom make daily pilgrimages to each statue in order to pay homage to his lord and conqueror. Hamsters that refused would be executed by a public cow-schtupping. Within hours I had expanded the edict to cover many of my other subjects: The birds and bees, the raccoons, the caterpillars that nest in the ficus trees out back, even the bark on all the trees. And just to show those horsefeathers who’s boss, I exempted the hogwash and poppycocks! That’ll learn ’em!

All hail Pnårp, suckers!