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A visit to Eigentoria

Emigrated on November 6, 2005.

I’m going to Eigentoria, baby!

There aren’t any gnomes in Eigentoria—just eigenfactors, a small string of eigenfactories from one end of the country to the other, and, of course, eigenhouses, eigenstores, eigentheatres, eigenbuses, and eigentrains. I arrived at the eigentrain station on Wednesday (the eigencalendars here call it Eigenday), quite eigentired from my eigentrip across the eigencountryside. I took an eigentaxi to the Eigen Hotel (an eigenhotel it was, naturally), checked in, and went up to my eigenroom in order to enjoy a quiet eigenevening perusing my eigenphotos of Alyssa Milano’s pretty eigenfeet. Fortunately, she still had all her little eigentoes in the photos—I was worried about this, seeing as how eigenfactors use a base-four eigencounting eigensystem, not base-five like all us normal non-eigen humans do.

The next day (also called Eigenday), I visited a small eigencafé called the Éigén Café, next to the Eigen Hotel. The eigencoffee tasted like an eigenhorse had eigenpeed in it, but the eigenbagels and eigenpastries were eigendelicious. The eigencroissants were only so-so, and the eigentruffles were eigenterrible. I met another eigenfactor in the Éigén Café; he was sitting at the eigentable next to my own.

“So, Mr. Årp, how do you like Eigentoria?” he asked me, eigencheerfully.

“It’s wonderful,” I eigenreplied, eigensmiling. “And that Eigen Hotel is the best I’ve ever been to. This little café here is quite eigennice, too.”

He asked me if I had visited (he called it an “eigenvisit,” although I don’t know why; that’s a pretty stupid word if you ask me) the local eigenfactory in order to watch new eigenfactors being eigenfabricated by millions of impoverished Guatemalan immigrants, and if I planned on taking an eigentour around the Eigenmarina, or planned to visit the eigenshopping eigendistrict while here. I told him yes—eigenyes. That all sounded like fun, so I eigenplanned to do it all at once (“eigentaneously”), later that Eigenday, or perhaps the day after (also Eigenday). But before I could leave the Éigén Café, he asked me the following eigenquestion that I shall never forget as long as I eigenlive:

“Have you seen the eigengnomes yet?”

“Eigenwhat?” I asked back, my eyes eigenwidening.

“Eigengnomes, dear boy. They’re everywhere, you know. Eigenhere, eigenthere—you’ll eigenmeet them eventually.”

“Eigenwhat!? I eigenshouted, slithering lithe porcupines from my pores eigennervously. I started to eigenshake.

Eigengnomes, of course. What, you didn’t eigenthink there was a place in the whole eigenworld where there weren’t gnomes, did you?” He eigenlaughed lightly, drawing an eigenvector on my nose with a felt-tip marker in order to drive home the eigenpoint.

“Uhhh… I mean, uhh… well, I thought that, uuhhhhhhh… waaaa, waaaaa, wa-wa-wa, wow, wowow, wooow… wakka, weeple, weeple… wooooozle! Wing ding dong, ding dong, dung… doooooo!!!!” I eigenscreamed, eigenpanicking, as I fell to the eigenfloor of the eigencafé, eigenconvulsing and eigenpissing my pants.


I ended up spending the rest of my visit to Eigentoria in an eigenhospital, cross-eyed and whistling “Eigendixie.”