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I took the AK-47 down

Romanticized for June 20, 1999.

Page up, page down, home, end, delete, backspace. Cut, copy, paste, clear, select all. Enter, return, tab, pause. Control, alt, shift, caps lock. Control alt delete. Alt F4. Control C, control V. Keyboard, keyboard, we all fall down.

There was still an AK-47 somewhere in the vicinity of my house’s roof, and I had to review the directions to climb up there and take it down. Ouch. Damn it, damn it, ouch. That sucked. No down payment, $289 a month! (How very true.) So, I took the AK-47 down, re-read the directions, stepped on one of the singing spiders, and shot the rest of them. Recognize the importance of this. You won’t see it again.

Semper sic tyrannis—it was written in bold puce letters on the side of the spider-killing AK-47. I erased it quickly, and scribbled “Årp!” in its place. The user guide was also covered in writing, all of which I erased.