Fillmore, Pierce, Upson, Taft
Filled more on July 26, 2026.
My podolatrous obsession with Jennifer Love-Hewitt had long since passed. We’re just friends now.
Rounding out this month of July, this entry is dedicated to the presidents everyone forgets, like Millard Fillmore, Franklin Pierce, and William Hazlett Upson. Without them, there would be at least three gaps in America’s storied history. Without them, I may never have been born! (Although I can’t imagine why.)
I awoke Friday to Becasue laughing contemptuously at me. After she calmed down, she explain: On Thursday, I had again confused “mouse” with “moose”—a mistake I had vowed in 2025 to never make again. Luckily, this time, my confusion hadn’t caused the statewide blackout and flash floods that it had last year. But it did cause my huzzey-muffet to laugh her buttered butt right off.
I then told her about my new revelation: Mice are just miniature rats. Mini-rats. Then, she asked: Or are rats just oversized mice? Mega-mice? My eyes widened and I retreated back under my bed cushions. More tittering laughter. I vowed I would butter the hell out of her butt later.
A truly rivulating nightmare visited me Friday night: A moose, chasing me through a dense forest, covered in ticks so big and engorged with blood that each carried their own smaller ticks—and those carried yet smaller ones. I only awoke from it when I fell off the bed (and then out the window).
Annnd… rounding out this entry, this sentence is dedicated to our roundest president, William Howard Taft.