Haldûrburðgar, Lord and Emperor
Knifed with a spoon on September 10, 2006.
Other than a new gnome infestation, absolutely nothing interesting happened this week. Well, not entirely—the New Gardegnomian gnomes have apparently conquered my hometown and installed Haldûrburðgar as mayor! His first act as mayor was to proclaim himself governor of the whole state, and his first act as governor was to declare himself president, and then his first act as president was to give himself the title “Protector of Gnomekind, Conqueror of Man, Lord and Emperor for Life.” And I think he’s immortal or something, being a gnome and all.
And I almost forgot: On Friday, our new mayor—Emperor for Life—decreed that, “henceforth, all households in this new nation of Gnomelandia will be infested, top to bottom, by no fewer than 89,541 wheedling, needling gnomes of the species Gnomus schmongelendi westphalici—commonly known as the Westphalian Schmongeling Gnome. The infestation process will begin at midnight on the ninth of September, 2006 with the immediate installation of 34,671 gnomes, and one block of head cheese, in the household of one Phillip Norbert Årp of 229B Bouillabaisse Boulevard.”
Spending months out at sea on board Alyssa Milano’s Feet really cut me out of the loop, that’s for sure.
Oh, I just remembered! Tomorrow is International Terrorist Day! I hope terrorists don’t crash an airplane into my house like they did two years ago. Guess I’ll have to get my AK-47 down from the chimney and get ready for the buggers this time…