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Captain Pinnfarb explains it all

Positioned left of June 18, 2006.

Woohoo-hoohoo!! Woohoo-hoohoo!! The HMS Gormless Bastard didn’t sink at all! Captain Pinnfarb stopped by on Wednesday (Eigenday in Eigentoria, my trusty old eigencalendar tells me) to tell me all about it: Apparently, during the middle of the night, yours truly went on a farting spree that launched him off the Gormless Bastard and so high into the air that he landed about four miles behind the ship! Naturally, when he (that’s still me, Pnårp) awoke, he (me) found himself (myself) surrounded by an awful lot of Pacific and awful little of the Gormless Bastard. So he (me?) thought she (the ship) had sank.

Captain Pinnfarb stayed for some tea and strumpets, then went on his way, whistling “Pixie” as he walked down Swithenby Street and out of my life forever. Does any of this make any sense to you? It sure as heck doesn’t to me—I just let it flow and write it down… and out it comes, and down it goes, and up onto my site it goes and blows my nose and sews my toes, I s’pose.

(Don’t tell anyone about this, dear readers, but… Captain Pinnfarb wasn’t a real captain. He wasn’t even a real person! He was a garden gnome—I know it, I swear! He was as tall as a man, and didn’t wear a little pointed red fez, and didn’t even have a beard—nor did he wheedle and needle, whiling away the days underground—but I just know it!!!)