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Orbited on July 11, 2010.

Sorry for the late posting, kiddies and biddies! My explosive escapades last weekend blew me all the way into the next week—right past Sunday and into Monday!

So, there’s really nothing to talk about that happened this past week, other than my rapid ascent into low Earth orbit (it’s not really that low—trust me!), my few revolutions about the planet, and finally my howling, howling descent into the hard, hard earth below.

Well, actually I suppose there are some things I could write about. For example, how low Earth orbit is entirely cluttered with the shattered husks of billions upon billions of broken ceramic garden gnomes. Apparently this is where Haldûrburðgar sends his gnomely subjects when they die. Or something. Trust me, it was something all right up there. Some things wheedling and needling… wheedling and needling like thousands of tiny, tiny gnomes, all waiting to meet their maker while their ruined ceramic carcasses slowly circle the planet.

But their maker isn’t God! Oh, no, not at all! Their maker isn’t even Strahazazhia Kalamazoo-Kintaki-Meeps, voluptuous insect goddess, She of the six-legged (thirty-toed!) delights. Their maker is merely a lowly kitsch manufacturer headquartered in Fujian Province, China, churning out billions and billions of ceramic garden gnomes on a daily basis. Billions and billions of smiling ceramic gnomes… smiling and piling and piling (up!), made of cheap ceramic slathered with even cheaper lead- and melamine-laced paint…

My God, there are so many gnomes! And they’re all coming to destroy my brain and kidneys!!

But why—!?