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Ah, the first of August!

Firstly on August 1, 2010.

Ah, the first of August! That day when Cthulhu comes to seek me out in all his strangely erotic tentacly goodness, instead of yours truly having to travel the world in search of him!

That day when I outsmart MacGyver by building my own cell phone out of an old cardboard box, a broken doorknob, an elastic band, a pair of pliers, a length of coax cable, three vacuum tubes, a used tampon, a piece of dryer lint, a wood screw, a finishing nail, a corkscrew, another vacuum tube, a vacuum cleaner, a leaking ballpoint pen, an old HP printer, a photograph of Alyssa Milano barefoot and dressed like Santa Claus, an air conditioner from 1972, a digital camera, a hair dryer, a clothespin, another clothespin, a tube of toothpaste, and a working cell phone!

That wonderful, wonderful day that comes after July 31—a Saturday this year!—and before August 2… a real, live, honest-to-God Monday!

That day when the Blunder Bus makes a stop on my street, right outside my palatial home, and drops off sixteen boxes of fnordbitten savages right on my doorstep!

That day when I typically take a quick jaunt over to Székesfehérvár in order to visit my old S’pht’Kr friends—the few remaining S’pht’Kr who have not yet been devoured by Mantrid drones. (Yet!)

That day when Alyssa Milano, three of the Spice Girls, Britney Spears, and a gaggle of Jada Fire lookalikes all come to waggle their feet and toes in my face! Ah, my toe-waggling little girlies, come waggle your toes at me!

That day when the Hamburglar visits my homely little town in order to burgle some burgers, and ends up doing twenty to life in federal prison for grand larceny, McMoney laundering, and conspiracy to commit felony hamburgling.

That day when I get to eat my most favorite of favorite foods, Mish Mash Soup by Barney the Dinosaur! (And we don’t know how it’s gonna taste!)

That day when the garden gnomes stop nattering in my nostrils, for once, and leave me in peace!

That day when I keep saying “That day when…”!

That most frabjous, babjous day!

That most froobjous, boobjous day!

Today! The first of August!

Why, hello, Cthulhu! You’re looking mighty tentacly today! Hey, wait… no… oh, God—!!