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Strahazazhia smiles upon me

Gone wrong on October 28, 2007.

On Monday, I prayed to Strahazazhia Kalamazoo-Kintaki-Meeps, voluptuous insect goddess and creator of gnomekind, to grant me additional subjects, in the form of hamsters. Strahazazhia smiled upon me, for She created for me a host of hamsters numbering twenty-five million and two. I settled the hamster subjects in the southern quarter of New Bouillabaissia, and put them to work as hewers of grain, to feed my kingdom.

On Tuesday, I prayed to Strahazazhia Kalamazoo-Kintaki-Meeps, voluptuous insect goddess, creator of hamsters and gnomekind, to grant me additional subjects: An army of floating pis. The goddess smiled upon me once again, for She created for me an army of floating pis numbering fifty million and four. I set the floating pis to guarding my kingdom: Patrolling the borders, ferreting out dissenters, and crushing rebellion wherever it occurred.

On Wednesday, I prayed to Strahazazhia Kalamazoo-Kintaki-Meeps, voluptuous insect goddess, creator of floating pis, hamsters, and gnomekind, to grant me additional subjects: Geese, geese, and more geese. The goddess smiled upon me once again, for She created for me a magnificent flock of geese numbering one-hundred million and eight. I set the geese to work in New Bouillabaissia’s brothels and pleasure domes, where they performed their duties with renown. Honk, honk!

On Thursday, I prayed to Strahazazhia Kalamazoo-Kintaki-Meeps, voluptuous insect goddess, creator of comfort geese, floating pis, hamsters, and gnomekind, to grant me additional subjects, this time in the form of gorillas. The goddess smiled upon me once again, for She created for me a clutch of gorillas numbering two-hundred million and sixteen. There was really nothing for them to do, so I sent my eigenslaves back to Earth aboard my newly-built flagship, the NBS Jennifer Love’s Ankles, to kidnap Ravna Olegg-Thorssondóttir and deliver her to the gorillas as a plaything, which they did. Ravna is very, very busy these days.

On Friday, I prayed to Strahazazhia Kalamazoo-Kintaki-Meeps, voluptuous insect goddess, creator of randy gorillas, comfort geese, floating pis, hamsters, and gnomekind, to grant me additional subjects, in any form She chose, in order to build thousands of new temples in honor of Her Insectness Herself. The goddess smiled upon me once again, for She created for me a swarm of golden cockroaches numbering four-hundred million and thirty-two. Their wings glittering in the sunlight, the cockroaches went about building 6,128¼ temples and ziggurats, all of which were dedicated to Strahazazhia Kalamazoo-Kintaki-Meeps, voluptuous insect goddess, creator of golden cockroaches, randy gorillas, comfort geese, floating pis, hamsters, and gnomekind. (¾ of the final temple were employed as a hidey-hole for Ravna, for days when she didn’t want to deal with the gorillas.)

On Saturday, I prayed one last time to Strahazazhia Kalamazoo-Kintaki-Meeps, voluptuous insect goddess, creator of golden cockroaches, randy gorillas, comfort geese, floating pis, hamsters, and gnomekind, to grant me additional subjects: Alyssa Milano, the Spice Girls, Britney Spears, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and at least a few of the Jack-Off Jill girls. The goddess laughed at me and told me that some things were simply impossible, even for an omnipotent insect goddess—even the one of the six-legged delights. I begged and pleaded, hemmed and hawed, squeaked and squawked, but finally accepted that I would have to make do with flocks of geese. Honk… honk…

And on Sunday, I declared a day of rest, and demanded that all my subjects, and the subjects of every other kingdom everywhere throughout the Universe, observe it on pain and penalty of death by cow-schtupping (naturally).