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Suddenly ablaze

Ignited on March 9, 2008.

I’m going to scream, “Giant flaming testicles!” in a minute. Just so you know.

But first, I must sit down and blargh about this week’s experiences, so that all you salivating stalkers know what I’ve been up to—because I’ve been up to a lot! On Monday, I baked fresh doodlewhacker pies for all my neighbors, and then threw them through their windows when they rebuffed my invitations. On Tuesday, while higher than a Brøderbund programmer singing “Old Gray Mare” to Carmen Sandiego, I mowed my lawn and laid down a fresh coat of goats, before noshing on an entire bowl of baconpenis. On Wednesday, I ended up with dugongs in my ear canals again, which was no more fun this time than it was last time. (Although, the fapping spree I went on shortly afterward… was.) On Thursday, I fed a pile of soggy potato chips and wizened rice to my neighbor’s grandmother—who was equally as wizened, mind you. On Thursday, I went back in time and cleaned all the dugongs out of my ear canals before they could bother me on Wednesday. On Wednesday again, I spun around in circles and went “Pwee!” a lot. On Thursday, the borfnagles and snoozlekopfs came to chew off my smurfy eyebrows, so I didn’t get much done. And finally, on Saturday (I skipped Friday—boy, do I love having a time machine!), I gulped down a smooth, refreshing Crapple shortly before poor Mr. Wilson died in a blogging accident.

Now—to write this all down! If only I remembered where I left that pile of pincer monkeys that I use to carve my words into the monitor…

Then it hit me like a barrel of gluefish dropped from a sixth-floor window by Father Dowling’s evil twin. This wobsite of mine was nine years old on Friday. I stopped for a moment to ponder this fact, while a weak and paltry copy of the sublime plenum stewed softly atop my electric stove. Of course, today was Sunday (which is not Friday, usually), which meant I wasn’t allowed to think about Friday anymore, so I attempted to burn the thought from my mind through mere force of will. Pulling a match out of my left nostril, I lit it, and…

Suddenly my testicles were ablaze.