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The laws of Phillip I: Taxes

Propagated on April 1, 2007.

All subjects of the sovereign lord and emperor Phillip I, most supreme monarch and emperor eternal of Bouillabaissia, conquerer of the Hamsters, conqueror of the Horsefeathers, king of Hogwash, supreme autarch of Poppycock, protector of Alyssa Milano’s feet, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s toes, and all parts of the five Spice Girls, prince of Avia, prince of Hymenoptera, emperor and autocrat of the Raccoons, lord arboreal of the Trees Ficus, grand duke of the Geese and the waters, ruler of the Oaks and Conifer territories, Schmongelslayer, protector, and pooperscooper, et cetera, et cetera, shall be required to pay a tax of 87% levied upon all their properties and income, for the following purposes:—

For the upkeep and maintenance of the forty-seven statues of the lord and emperor and his accomplishments, situated around Bouillabaissia, and the four statues of Alyssa Milano, and the three of Jennifer Love Hewitt, and the two of Britney Spears, and the one of each Spice Girl,

For the upkeep and maintenance of the lord and emperor’s palaces, vineyards, halls and chambers, pleasure domes, floors and ceilings, fields, roads and highways, hedges, bushes and shrubbery, barns and stables, duckponds, outhouses and wallowing pits,

For the raising of not less than four-hundred thousand and two gnomes to serve in the lord and emperor’s standing army and to suppress resistance wherever it may exist,

For the raising of not less than sixty-four thousand and one half gnomes to serve in the lord and emperor’s air forces to defend against airborne gnomely incursions,

For the raising of not less than two gnomes, or one man, to serve in the lord and emperor’s navies situated in the duckpond behind the fourth palace,

For the supply, care, and feeding of the high executioner’s poodle flocks,

For the maintenance of the cow-schtupping arena and all related apparatus,

For the acquisition and maintenance of not less than four hundred sacks of horsefeathers, to be requisitioned from the Horsefeather province,

For seven pounds of pepperoni,

And for the funding of the gnomely courts, so they may most effectively and efficiently oppress the lord and emperor’s subjects.

The lord and emperor, understanding that this levy will be a hardship for many of his subjects, therefore raises it to 91% in order to make available sufficient funds to suppress any resistance that may come about as a result of its collection.

The lord and emperor, understanding that this additional levy will be a further hardship for many of his subjects, therefore raises it to 94% in order to make available sufficient funds to suppress any resistance that may come about as a result of its collection.

The lord and emperor, understanding that these levies will be a particular hardship for his subjects the Hogwash and Poppycock provinces, therefore exempts these provinces from any taxes present and future. It is thus decreed that the Horsefeather province shall be taxed at 103% of its wealth as compensation for this exemption. Seven gnomely garrisons will be stationed in Horsefeather in order to ensure the orderly collection of the levy, and it will therefore be increased to 108¾% for no particular reason.

Whosoever fails to pay the levy shall be subjected to a cow-schtupping in the public square, for not less than twenty minutes, whereupon he shall then be fed to a flock of poodles.

Whosoever is unable to pay the levy shall be subjected to a cow-schtupping in the public square, for not less than six hours and twenty minutes, whereupon he shall be hanged by the corneas until three-quarters dead, and then fed to a flock of poodles.

Whosoever pays this levy with no resistance will be subjected to a cow-schtupping forte et dure in the public square, for not less than one full day, from sunup until sundown, whereupon he shall be hanged by a single cornea until seven-ninths dead, then he shall be broken upon a hamster wheel, and fed to a flock of poodles.