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The laws of Phillip I

Promulgated on March 25, 2007.

Whosoever shall take up arms against the sovereign lord and emperor Phillip I, most serene monarch and emperor eternal of Bouillabaissia, conquerer of the Hamsters, conqueror of the Horsefeathers, king of Hogwash, supreme autarch of Poppycock, protector of Alyssa Milano’s feet, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s toes, and all parts of the five Spice Girls, prince of Avia, prince of Hymenoptera, emperor and autocrat of the Raccoons, lord of the Caterpillars, lord arboreal of the Trees Ficus, grand duke of the Ducks, Geese, and all the waters, ruler of the Oaks, Maples, Pines, and Conifer territories, Schmongelslayer, protector, and pooperscooper, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, shall be subjected to the following punishments:—

He shall be placed in the custody of the lord and emperor’s gnomely guards and brought to answer before the gnomely courts,

Whereupon he shall be put to the question, and if he does not confess promptly he shall be wheedled and needled until he does so,

And, if he be found guilty of lèse majesté against the lord and emperor, he shall be stripped of his lands and titles, and his socks, and henceforth be referred to as a “big doodie-head,”

He shall then be placed upon the hamster wheel and brought to the town square where all of the lord and emperor’s subjects will have been required to gather upon penalty of death by insectivores,

Whereupon he shall be subjected to a public cow-schtupping without mercy and without cease, for a period of not less than four hours and two minutes,

Whereupon, if he still be living, he shall be cow-schtupped once again, more intensely, for a period of not less than six hours and six minutes,

Whereupon, if he still be living, he shall be mocked and ridiculed endlessly, by being called a “dumbhead” and a “party pooper,”

Whereupon, if he still be living, he shall be subjected once again to a cow-schtupping forte et dure, which shall not be ceased until he prays for salvation from the voluptuous insect goddess Strahazazhia Kalamazoo-Kintaki-Meeps, which shall not be forthcoming,

Whereupon, if he still be living, he shall be poked thoroughly with not less than forty-thousand and seven dull toothpicks,

Whereupon, if he still be living, he shall once again be cow-schtupped, upside-down and backwards, while being forced to sing “Oops, I Did It Again!” by Britney Spears,

Whereupon, if he still be living, he shall be fed to a flock of poodles.

If he be found not guilty of lèse majesté against the lord and emperor, but of the lesser crime of being a dingleberry, his punishment shall be the same, with the exception that he shall not be referred to as a “party pooper,”

If he be found not guilty of both lèse majesté and of being a dingleberry, but of the lesser crime of having the name Charlie, his punishment shall be the same, with the addition that he be beaten over the head with a sack of horsefeathers,

If he be found not guilty of any of these three crimes, his punishment shall be the same, with the addition that he be both beaten with horsefeathers and hanged by the nose until dead, prior to being fed to a flock of poodles,

If he be completely innocent of any crime, and known to be virtuous by men of good standing, he shall be found guilty of having breathed the lord and emperor’s air without leave to do so, and he shall thereupon immediately become poodle meat.