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Thousands of Eggmen against one little Pnårp

Destalinized on May 2, 2010.

The Fendippitous Eggmen had come for me. And I was sure that if I didn’t send them back to the Brundlesphere where they belonged, they would come for you too… and eat your head.

When the Eggmen had first appeared, I was so indubitably shocked that all I could do was stare blankly, nose wide open, my visage not unlike that of a Carpathian Stinking Hound that suddenly found itself outstunk by an even stinkier animal. The Eggmen stared back fendippitously, silently—waiting for me to make a move. Or at least I think they stared, for their ominous egg-shaped heads have no eyes—or any other features for that matter, except two tiny ears and a pair of pince-nez glasses perched upon a nose that doesn’t actually exist (unlike my nose, which clearly does exist).

A move I finally made. Regaining my composure, I stood up (upon their arrival I had collapsed to the floor in a heap of gibbering panic), set myself into a fighting stance… and then began spinning around in circles rapidly, shouting “Pwee, pwee, pwee! Oh God, not the Fendippitous Eggmen again! Pwee, pwee, pwohh! Pwee, pweeee, pwee-wee-weee!!”

My intricate plan seemed to be working, for they just stood there and stared, trying to look ominous and threatening, but looking sillier and sillier by the minute. I continued pretending I was insane (yes, pretending…) for as long as I could, but eventually my sense of balance decided to pick a fight with my plan, and after a hard-fought battle inside my cranium, it won. I collapsed into a heap on the floor again, still pweeing madly, but no longer spinning. Even my own inner ears had turned against me!

The Eggmen took a step away from the Brundlegateway, toward me—silently, as all Eggmen are wont to do. I giggled. They tried to look more ominous; I giggled like a little girl still in her pigtails, hoping to shatter their ominous ominousness into the filibusterous Isle of Tortuga that it was. One Eggman, fendippitous as ever, advanced a step in front of the others. Clearly, he was planning an attack against yours truly, while the other Eggmen just stood by fendippitously, dorsiflexing and plantarflexing in their fendippity.

Suddenly, with a roar not unlike the sound of a Westphalian Schmongeling Gnome expanding rapidly as someone pumped its tiny body full of helium, Fendippitous Eggman #1, as I shall call him, lunged forward and was upon me. I pweed madly, and wet myself once again.

I dodged and the Eggman hit the floor to my left, his eggy head striking the hardwood with a crack! not unlike an egg landing on a hardwood floor. I skittered madly away on all fours, secreting myself into a corner on the opposite side of my palatial room. Eggmen #2 and #3, as I shall arbitrarily label them, spun around and charged. I curled into a fetal position and wet myself again, memories of nonexistent F14 keys and Loquisha’s luscious little brown sandaled feet flashing before my eyes. I sproinged out of the way just as the two Eggmen pounced.

I hopped, skipped, and jumped out of the room, screaming bloody murder and hooting madly as I dashed down the stairs. The entire gaggle of Fendippitous Eggmen pursued. I rounded a corner and started shouting for my gorillas. “Gorillas! Where are you useless bags of hair?! Crush them, gorillas! Destroy them!!” I shouted as I ran down the hallway, banging on each of the two dozen doors leading to the gorillas’ palatial bedrooms.

No gorillas were forthcoming. My house was deserted, except for me, Yappie, and a clutch of Fendippitous Eggmen who had just come through an interdimensional vortex in order to kidnap me and return me to their universe so they could feast upon my delicious brains and corneas.

Then I remembered! The skeezle-wumpus! Surely that would save me! I spun about and blunged for the floor, slid right under the Eggmen’s (nonexistent) noses, between their legs, and reemerged behind them. Getting up, I taunted them for a moment before dashing back up the stairs in order to fetch the skeezle-wumpus that I kept in the same room as my priceless pair of ducks and gluefish bowl. If this wouldn’t send them back to Hell (or northern California), nothing wou—

Gnaåah!! I stopped dead in my tracks on the stairs. Thousands and thousands of Eggmen stood at the top of my stairs, all staring me down fendippitously. Of course, the Brundlevortex was still open—and thousands of horrifying, dreadful Fendippitous Eggmen must have been pouring through as these five had been chasing me about my palatial home and hearse.

This was it. There would be no skeezle-wumpus to save my hide this time.

I glared at them with grim determination, my jaw set, my nose aflare with fury.

This was it.

With a cry of “Pnaåaåaåaåaåaåaårp!!!” I charged up the stairs, flailing my arms wildly about my head. Oh, how I flailed. I pushed through the first wave of Eggmen with virtually no effort, grunting and kerplunking as I went. Eggman #3101, as I spontaneously decided to call him, tried to stop me, but a quick boot to the head sent him flying onto his buttocks on the floor. His head cracked as it struck the hard floor like an egg striking a hard floor, spilling his gooey, yolky brains everywhere. I dodged. I parried. I goonflayvined. Still the Fendippitous Eggmen came on, silently assaulting me with their eggy goodness. I gave another a quick boot to the head, and his head too cracked open like an egg being cracked open by being kicked. Hah! A successful strategy, I suddenly realized—and now for the rest of you!

Kick, kick, kick! Crack, crack, crack! The other Eggmen proved to be no more of match for my quick boots to the head than the first two, and I had soon cleared my house of every last Fendippitous Eggman.

My palatial hallways would run yellow with Eggman blood for days.

The Fendippitous Eggmen were vanquished.

[Feetnote: Yesterday being May Day, I spent most of the day flushing out all the communists hiding under my bed and in my nostrils. I’m not sure how they got there—perhaps it was one of Samuel Dreckers’ evil plots to buttbuttinate me in my sleep, or perhaps they were the last fading echo of the Fendippitous Eggmen left on this side of the Brundledivide—but regardless, despite it all, notwithstanding the above, and even irregardless of all of this, I dispatched every last one of them with gusto and glee. With mirth and alabaster. Even with a little bit of Euler’s identity.]